I started "practice" fasting as a teenager when I would give up snacks between meals. Nobody made me do that; it was just part of the rad trad lifestyle. It was what we did when other people's teenagers were getting up at five on Saturdays to train for the football team or whatever it is that athletes do. When I turned twenty, I fasted "for real" during the Advent before my 21st birthday. Meat only at the main meal, no snacks, two smaller meals which, combined, were less than the main meal. By the end of the year, I didn't realize I weighed 92 pounds, but when I went shopping for a Christmas outfit I couldn't figure out why the size 0 was too big. I had been a 4 before that and honestly believed that they were making clothes bigger. A lot bigger. It never once occurred to me that I was smaller. The New Year came and went, I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I got the flu, I plunged into the single most stressful time of my life. Most days I ate half a piece of toast for breakfast and for lunch had a bagel with cream cheese, a cheese danish, and a gigantic cracklatte, and then didn't eat again until dinner, when I had one helping of whatever. I thought I had a really healthy diet, or would have if I had had time to think about it or even to breathe, which I didn't.
Lent rolled around and I couldn't figure out how to fast because I was kind of already fasting. My memories from the time are fuzzy, but at some point I talked to a priest and must have asked him if I could be "dispensed" from the Lenten fast because I had very low energy and high stress, and he said no. He said I should still try to eat less than what I normally ate. I asked him again when I told him I was barely able to function and he said do what you can. Then he said just try to eat more at meals. He made it sound like it would be this terrible thing if I stopped fasting, like the entire structure of my spiritual life was propped up by not having a few extra bites of food here and there.
My life fell apart after that. Or I suppose I could say that it changed direction and no matter how hard I tried I could never get it to bend back in the direction it had been going. My doctor had me come in for weekly appointments so she could monitor my glacially slow weight gain. "No more fasting," she said, and I'm sure wanted to say a lot more but didn't, because she was a soft-spoken protestant lady. I had signed up for a summer class and she gave me a note with an anorexia diagnosis that would allow me to drop the class without having to pay the fees or take an incomplete. To this day I don't know if I'm actually anorexic, but she was vague like that, and anyway at that point in my life most things stopped having a clear meaning and starting becoming horrifyingly slippery and infirm. My main focus at that point was not letting my brain break any worse than it was already broken. My body continued to be irrelevant except in the sense that everyone was nagging me about it even more although all it had ever done was just exist. It didn't even take up that much room and now I was in trouble because there wasn't enough of it. What a drag it all was.
I thought I would be better by the end of the summer but I never really did get better. I gained a little weight, but never returned to being a size 4 or even a 2. I took fewer classes in the fall of my junior year and failed one of them. Then I took the following year off completely, which would have been my senior year. I considered dropping out since I obviously wasn't cut out for that kind of life, and my trad boyfriend agreed. I couldn't face the idea of returning, of not returning, of getting married, of waiting to get married, of anything. Nothing seemed worth the price that had to be paid for it.
So I just went back and finished my degree, anyway. My trad boyfriend resented me or the universe on some subliminal level and the relationship ended. I stood at my graduation believing that I had given up my health, my future, my ambitions, happiness, true love, and my whole sense of self for an academic degree that meant very little to me. Now I realize that many of those sacrifices were made of me by other people for other things, but perspective takes a long time to get and food seems like a luxury when you're in panic mode and the edifice is slipping away. I was only holding on to the necessities, and food wasn't one of them.
For several years, I endured friends and family telling me that "I would still be pretty" if I gained a few pounds, and when they gave up on that idea, they started telling me that "I would look so much better" if I gained weight. One woman told me I wouldn't get hired anywhere because no employer would want to pay for my health insurance after looking at me. The last time I went to confession to that same priest, who had always seemed so kind and reasonable, he asked me if I was struggling with the sin of vanity at all. I told him I wasn't.
I still only weigh about 95 pounds. I have no idea if that's normal or not. Nobody seems able to tell me: not nutritionists, psychologists, endocrinologists, homeopaths, general care practitioners, nobody. Considering how many tests I was given with no negative results I think I must be the healthiest person I know. Chinese medicine and acupuncture were next on the list but I put a stop to it and then I left the country for a place where they deep fry pizza and if someone makes a crack about your appearance you can't understand them anyway.
These days, I'm at loss when it comes to Lent. When I hear my new-traddy and cradle-traddy friends talking about fasting it seems like some weird drug that keeps them going but which I had a terrible reaction to one time. So this year I gave up TV and reading Slate. Well, I can still watch Netflix documentaries. Why? I don't know. I just can. Because if I stress out too much about anything I stop eating. That's why. It's like my own built-in anti-fanaticism device.
And because I don't think God really cares if I watch a documentary or not. I like to think that maybe He's even a bit concerned about the whole weight loss thing. I don't want to fall into the trap of looking for a tidy meaning in everything but sometimes the message is "Please stop this lunacy," which I wouldn't have, if there had been any physical way of continuing, because pursuing something selfish can be a strong force but when you're pursuing something unselfish that you believe is right even if it isn't, that force can be unstoppable.
There's a point where mortifying the body and elevating the spirit intersect. There's also a point where sin and harm towards the body intersect. Where these two points are in relation to each other is not always easy to see. Maybe that's why the Church has gotten rid of so many of the old rules about fasting; who knows? Fanaticism has a very strong draw for a lot of people.
Thanks for sharing this. I think the priest who refused to excuse you from the Lenten fast should search his soul for the reasons why he did it, and pray for forgiveness from the Lord, because I think those on earth who care for you would find it hard to give him the absolution he must now crave.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that the idea of fasting, or of any kind of self denial, is that as Christians we should give up something we enjoy and have come to take for granted, in order to experience some degree of self sacrifice and appreciate more fully the bounty that we enjoy here on Earth.
That does not mean denying ourselves anything that we do not have in abundance. So, for instance, if your weight is not at or above the healthy range for your height and build, you should not fast. To do so would be to risk harming God's treasured creation. It could mean doing without TV, or Netflix, or the internet, for a time. Even better, if you save money by cutting out some unnecessary consumer good, give the cash to a charity that helps the depressingly large number of people in the world whose lives are cut short through a lack of suitable nutrition.
I'm conscious that Lent is fast approaching. You are a beautiful, wonderful child of Christ. I pray that you do not even contemplate fasting. Your body needs the nutrients it is currently getting for you to be fit and healthy and to continue to do your good work here on Earth.
But that priest did care for me, which is why I trusted him. He honestly did what he thought was best for my soul. The fact that I was physically wasting away from his advice was something he was unable to see, and how people become capable of doing things like that is why I spend so much time thinking about religious fanaticism. He's not the only person in my life who has had those kinds of blinders on. It seems to me that if becoming holier is supposed to give us things like "wisdom" (one of the gifts of the Holy Ghost) and how much charity is emphasized, then there's something wrong with pursuing virtue in a way that makes the person have such a narrow view of reality that they don't see what is right in front of their face. I've known a lot of people who, the more enthusiasm they have for the Faith, the less common sense they have, to the point where they hurt other people--usually emotionally but sometimes physically as well, as in my case.
Delete"That does not mean denying ourselves anything that we do not have in abundance."
But what if you can't give up anything? What if, theoretically, anything you give up will result in some kind of harm. Is there some other way to do Lent, or are you just a defective Catholic? I think people get very attached to the idea of giving things up because it's such a straight-forward thing to do. It's easy currency for heaven. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. But there must be something more to the whole thing than that. The way I was taught was there was nothing really else to being Catholic except giving things up and making sacrifices of whatever kind, and if you weren't doing more all the time then you must be slipping back. It was kind of shocking to me when I realized how narrow and stifling that was.
It may be that the priest cared deeply for your spiritual welfare, at least as defined by your adherence to the doctrine and practices of the Church. But if he cared for you as a person he would surely have noticed that you were thin and listened to what you were saying about your lack of energy and your difficulties in functioning and urge you to nourish your God-given body sufficiently. So I share your view that there's a risk that people who are highly committed to their Faith can, inadvertently, display characteristics and advocate actions that Our Lord would surely not endorse.
DeleteI think the notion of self-sacrifice during Lent is well established in Christianity and especially in Catholicism. For some that can mean fasting or mortification (I am not advocating either, especially in your case) and for others it can entail giving up luxuries, which can be tangible items but can also be pastimes or experiences.
Is this really necessary for us to be 'good' Christians? I see no basis for it in the Scriptures. But I think some reflection and prayer on the topic of sacrifice, recalling the sacrifice made by Jesus Christ, would be appropriate.
Oops... I was so moved and disturbed by our charming hostess's blog that I made to foolish errors. Lent is, of course, already upon us; and CD has already told us she has giving up two luxuries (TV and Slate) this year.
ReplyDeleteBut my previous comment still applies in one important regard. Charming Disarray, I wasn't aware you'd experienced anorexia; I'm deeply saddened by this, and have already prayed for your continuing good health.
This is only a quibble, but I don't know if I've experienced anorexia. I've certainly never starved myself on purpose for any reason and certainly not to try to improve my appearance in some way. The idea of anyone doing that is horrifying to me. At the same time, it's been a surprisingly difficult struggle to eat enough and maintain my weight, and it's not something I really feel like I have much control over, which could be just a physiological thing. In any case, regardless of labels, I appreciate the prayers.
DeleteI'm glad to hear that you don't associate yourself with the anorexia label (I think I was misled by your tags; there was no basis for me to use the word based on the text of your blog).
DeleteGod blessed you with beauty, both internal and external; we mere humans cannot improve on his creation, but it is our duty to care for it. So I pray that you will continue to eat enough to maintain your weight and energy and healthy levels.
I used to do a 24 hour fast every friday while I was in training for Special Forces. I had the metabolism and build to handle it, and it only made working out and studying (which were my only job at the time) a little harder.
ReplyDeleteThen I read that Mother Teresa, in her rule, forbade all of her sisters from fasting. Their spiritual growth, she said, depended on their vocation, which was service to the poorest of the poor. Anything that made them less able to serve, such as being hungry and light headed, was not helping them to spiritual growth but actually hindering it.
Nowadays I accept the privations that come with my state in life, and when I need to fast a little extra, as in Lent, I pic something small and truly extra, which will not interfere with any of my duties.
I shouldn't worry too much about your size, if I were you. As long as you have the energy to do what you need to do and most of what you want to do, size is only of relative concern in my opinion.
I hope you are having a good lent.
A 24 hour fast sounds pretty intense.
DeleteInterfering with duties...that's exactly it. My fasting certainly did that and what is frustrating is that it still does affect my duties even years later. I remember my best friend and I talking about being college students and fasting, and how hard it was, and whether being a student should count as a good excuse not to do it, but much of the rhetoric we were given was, "What, can't you just try a little harder? Are you that fragile?" like college students in the first world having half-sandwiches for lunch couldn't possibly be considered "deprived." It was very convincing and made us feel like privileged whiners. And when it ruined my health some people swooped in and told me that that was why women shouldn't go to college in the first place.
It's good to know that about Mother Teresa.
God created your body and mind to do His good works, so anything that interferes with your duties as a Christian is detracting from His plan. So if fasting would leave you with insufficient energies to pursue your studies has to be destructive, unless we accept the premise that education is bad, whether for all Christians or just female ones.
DeleteAs to that proposition, it seems to me that improving your knowledge and also your cognitive skills assists in getting you appointed to positions of influence in which you can spread God's word, both directly (in your case, as a journalist) and indirectly, by the moral values you bring to a workplace. And even outside the workplace, such abilities are invaluable in a family, Church or community context. So education is surely a valuable commodity for Christians.
Finally, I'd argue that it is more important for women than men, because while all the reasons above apply to both genders, in most families women have more impact on and day-to-day involvement in bringing up children, and the link between a mother's educational achievements and language acquisition and educational performance in her children is well proven.
Hello CD,
ReplyDeleteI must say this post made me somewhat upset and sad as well on certain levels.
The first, which is now part of the mandate of my Latin Mass serving blog, Servimus Unum Deum, concerns problems with, and standing against, radical traditional Catholicism. It makes me sick that this is what this priest had in mind for you, when clearly your physical health was declining. One thing I really hate about these Rad-trads is this, which you summed up quite nicely: "... the more enthusiasm they have for the Faith, the less common sense they have, to the point where they hurt other people--usually emotionally but sometimes physically as well, as in my case." Sadly, with my adventures in the Latin Mass, I have been victim of, and witnessed to others, first hand this harm that these kinds of people do, be it with much sugary sweetness, or straight out rudeness and volatility. Also connected to that, is as part of cults, they tend to enforce mortifications on their adherents, disguised as penance, or needs to obtain eternal salvation, when it is simply a disguise to decrease resistance to their authority.
The second way this post irked me, was how it was affecting you and how you were starving yourself, thus being anorexic. I really hate the fact that society is sick with regards to women and their weight. Magazines, large ad boards, etc. all do this, and it's only heightened in our over-sexualized era, that only the "emancipated thin woman" is gorgeous. It gets even more twisted, when health advice is skewed to the umpteenth degree alongside this, where even an ounce of fat is a health risk. Truth is that it depends where the fat is stored, the person's diet, their genetics, etc. Really the major, readily available, true determinant of risk for coronary heart disease and health, is medical laboratory bloodwork analysis, looking at your lipid panel (triglycerides, cholesterol, LDL and HDL) and glucose for diabetes.
Getting back to you, but also other girls, it saddens me because there is beauty in curves and healthy-looking women, and God did not intend for most women to be bone thin for a variety of reasons. Worse, you were suffering at this. Hearing that makes me feel horrible inside, want to give a hug and tell someone that they are beautiful at any weight. I hope one day that I can say this to whomever the young woman is coming into my life, should Christ will for me a vocation of marriage. I don`t want them to ever have to feel ugly cause they are not thin. However, this should be added to girls and teens also, by those who minister to them as role models and guides.
Thanks for sharing this personal part of your faith journey and life, by the way. I don`t know how hard it was or is, but these things are generally really close to the vest. Pax CD, Julian Barkin.
This is the most heart-rending thing I've read in a long time. I'm so sorry this happened to you...and... that priest! What happened to the virtue of prudence?
ReplyDeleteI used to fast in all kinds of weird ways. It went on for years...and then I realised that couldn't be right. Thinking about how to not eat, why I shouldn't be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, when I shouldn't be eating...it just wasn't right. But it wasn't anything as awful as your experience.
These days, I give up things like unsolicited negative opinion. It's really hard, but by the end of it, I find it's helped my actual character. It's not just an endurance test anymore.
I think most of the young people who practice "fasting" have no real idea of what it really is.
ReplyDeleteIt does not mean starving yourself. It also doesn't mean you're going to hell if you eat meat on Fridays. I would never believe a God who loves us would punish you for eating meat. There are, after all, starving people in Africa who don't care about fasting practices, and all they care about is filling their stomach to prevent themselves from dying.
As a cradle Catholic, I know that all these things that "rad Trads" do are just effects of their extremism, or fanaticism regarding Catholicism.
A real Catholic waits calmly, suffers his sufferings in a way that does not make them do something extreme to their bodies or to their minds.
Fasting is largely about "renewal of the mind", letting God "transform you inwardly", and not "conforming yourselves to the standards of this world." as what Romans 12:2 says.
Fasting is not about starving, nor fear of being punished because you ate meat on this or that day or whatever. That is bad logic.
God is more interested in our attitudes, in whether we are kind to others, whether we repented and turned away from sin, whether we obeyed his Ten Commandments. He is less impressed with someone's list of vegetables they ate for Lent.
This is why although I am traditional, I do not follow this standard of "rad Trad" things, because to them (and I have met many fanatical, delusional paranoid Trads on Facebook), your life is not worthy if you don't fast, if you don't wear veils, or if you don't go to a Latin mass.
Who the heck are these people to judge someone's worthiness just because they didn't do these things? Only God judges your worth, not any human being.
Btw, you gave me your blog link. I believe you sent it to me via private message. I'm friends with James Thomas More Griffin. :)