There's a lot to be said to having at least some self control over how you feel. There's usually a lot more that's said by other people about how they think you should feel, especially if you're a woman. In worst case scenarios, this is called gaslighting. There's a really big difference between saying, "I'm over it" and being told "Get over it" by someone else. Or simply having your feelings not counted in the first place. If there is one trademark of modern that stands out above all others--well, maybe not, but it comes in second--it's that no one seems to care at all about anyone else's feelings. They're treated like a radioactive bi-product of the whole process. Unless, of course, you're a man, and you've found "the one" after decades of mowing through fields of women and getting applauded for it. Up until that point, no one is allowed to feel anything. Lucky you! I don't remember signing up for this.
By the way, this is something that bothered me about The Rules and HJNTIY before I started thinking about emotional chastity at all. The woman's feelings are only valid when a man comes along and makes them valid. "It's to avoid getting hurt!" Okay. You can also avoid getting hurt by just going along with whatever that abusive husband wants. Oh yeah, I went there. My point is that the whole system caters to the very worst kind of man and the very worst kinds of dating practices. It doesn't allow room for, say, a guy who might not notice a particular girl until she noticed him. Or one who would be flattered rather than embarrassed and frightened by a girl's interest. Or for a couple who might, after a breakup, reconsider and give things another try.
What a convenient, tidy world it would be if only women would control those dang pesky feelings that always seem to get in the way when a man isn't there already agreeing with them. There's something so clinical and waspy about treating women's feelings like they're dirty and slightly deranged. I'm not saying that it's a good idea for women everywhere to just start throwing themselves at men, although if that's your thing then go for it, but what's the message here? "Your feelings are invalid until I say otherwise." Not just invalid but sinful, and you should be ashamed. Guy not call you back after dating for several months? Just move on. You should force yourself not to feel anything as quickly as possible. If he had liked you back, that would be a different story. Then it would be okay. He doesn't have to marry you, so he also doesn't have to show basic courtesy towards you as a human being. If that bothers you, get over it.
Not only does this attitude fit hand-in-glove with the consumerist view of modern dating, which gives a free pass to anyone who wants to use other people for as long as it amuses them, and shames the person who ends up feeling hurt by this process, but questioning and invalidating your own feelings strikes me as a dangerous and self-defeating life skill for women to be learning. It also reminds me of this:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourselfAnd so on.
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day....
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed...
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
In all fairness, much of the emotional chastity literature that I've found that's aimed specifically at teenagers targets boys and girls equally. And according to Haley's Halo, in Protestant circles, the men get nagged more than the women. That makes the whole discussion more complicated than what I've outlined here, but I think women are most vulnerable this kind of "advice," because we're always looking for advice...because we're always second guessing ourselves....because people are always telling us why our reactions are wrong...and if you hear it enough times, especially from people you trust, it becomes pretty darn convincing.
And what I don't understand is why anybody would want to do this? Isn't being irrationally loyal even in the face of discouragement a beautiful trait to have? You'd think people would be writing sonnets about it instead of primming up their mouths and talking about sin.
What?? Not done. One more to go.
I just tried to comment but perhaps it didn't work. I wanted to say thanks for re-validating the female heart in this series of posts! As you say, it really is amazing how feminine virtues like loyalty are so readily dismissed as madness today.
ReplyDeleteWelcome! Yes, it's so subtle and so pervasive that in some ways it can be hard to see. I'm only in the process of figuring this out myself.
Delete"Guy not call you back after dating for several months? Just move on. You should force yourself not to feel anything as quickly as possible. If he had liked you back, that would be a different story. Then it would be okay. He doesn't have to marry you, so he also doesn't have to show basic courtesy towards you as a human being. If that bothers you, get over it."
ReplyDeleteWhat would you suggest a woman does in this case instead? Or do you agree that it is the right course of action, but disagree with the insistence that she shut down her feelings?
If this is how people advise women in real life, how do you suggest they do? What would that quote read in your ideal world?
I agree with your point (I think) but I am curious to hear your answer.
I'm sure there's no blanket rule for what to do. In fact, thinking that there is one is part of the mentality that you're not actually dating a person--you're dating a set of behaviors. That's dehumanizing.
DeleteI honestly don't think it matters that much what the woman does. Why do people care so much? It's the guy (in this case, although obviously the situation can be reversed) who is being rude. Why do we care what HE thinks? It's the mentality of blame shifting that encourages this kind of thing and makes it normal. If you don't like somebody after three months, that's fine, but it's really immature just to disappear and deal with the difficult conversation. The fact that it's the person getting left without an explanation who gets all the reprimands by society is a problem. Maybe people wouldn't do it as much if there were repercussions, even just an embarrassing phone call. I'm sticking to my belief in principle that people always have the right to ask for respect, although I can imagine that a lot of people would not, if they found themselves on the receiving end of this treatment, consider it worth the bother.
Part of my second sentence is missing. Oh well. Long day. Going to bed.
DeleteI don't want to defend the conduct of most men, but I would say that perhaps one reason why some of us seem to detach our conduct from our emotions is that we may be loaded down with cultural assumptions about the undesirability of the expression of emotion, especially sadness and tears, by men. And the best way to avoid showing such 'weakness' is to avoid getting too involved. To quote my all-time favorite singer-songwriter, Paul Simon: 'I am a rock, I am an island/For a rock can feel no pain, and an island never cries'.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who believes that expressing emotions is healthy and constructive, I find this sad. I also wonder whether, on some level, it behoves women whose emotions are harmed by seemingly heartless men to expose the perpetrators to the upset they cause. Doing so might force them to express their own emotions - maybe, for instance, the man who walks away from a relationship after several months without explanation cries when confronted by the grief and anger of the woman he cheated of an apology and a goodbye, cries too, thereby making her realize he's sad too, and as a result he conducts himself better in future relationships. Or maybe I'm being too optimistic?
I think there's a broader point here too. If, stereotypically, emotional detachment is male and open self-expression is female, why should women follow the male lead? Why not the other way round. - or meet in the middle?